My Plant Medicine Experience

The ego does not want to let go of its delusional throne. There is a higher power that exists amongst and within us.

These were my biggest take-aways. 

I drove two hours to arrive at a church where I would be partaking in an Ayahuasca Ceremony with 14 other soul-searchers, facilitated by 2 shamans. My mentality was all there: I was going to drink this magical concoction, I was going to have immense revelations, all of my traumas and repressed memories were going to be dissolved in the light of Source, and I’d walk out elevated and enlightened. Easy, done, let’s go. Sounds like a whole lot of ego, eh? I just wasn’t aware of it quite yet. 

At the time of the ceremony, we all gathered around in a circle. The shaman called us up one by one to his altar, and we took the first drink of Ayahuasca. I was a perfect combination of nervous-excited as I glided up to the altar, downed the shot as fast as I could (to avoid lingering on the foul taste) and laid back down in my spot within the circle. 

Let me fast forward: it took me three shots until I finally began to feel the effects. I could feel Ayahuasca starting to creep around my body as a snake wraps around its prey before devouring it. I started to feel uncomfortable- my stomach was turning and I couldn’t help but clench every muscle in my body. Whenever I’d remember to come back to my breath and relax, I’d switch right back into tension. To add to the madness, my mind would not shut up. All my mind wanted to do was label the experience with words. I was dancing in-between allowing and holding-back as if unaware where to settle. All of a sudden, all of the effects subsided. My ego-mind had won the battle. I was back in my natural pattern of thought, no tension, no struggle, it was as if I hadn’t even taken the drink. 

“No, this is not happening” I thought to myself. I went to take my fourth shot of Ayahuasca and now, this is the part you’ve probably been waiting for:

I laid back down, and waited. 

I felt an objective, higher intelligence observing me, just scanning my existence without judging. There was a stillness in the air- I was taken back by the powerful energy of this intelligence. As it looked at me, I knew it was simply gathering information before it began the healing process. My ego-mind, however, couldn’t stay away for too long. The unnecessary intellectualization began as my body began to convulse. If I could have a dialogue for it, my body would be saying to Ayahuasca “NO, NO, GO AWAY, WE DON’T WANT TO LET YOU IN, WE DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE WHAT WE HAVE HIDDEN IN HERE!” Either way, at this point, there was no going back. Ayahuasca was in, full-send, and I had no choice but to surrender whether my body wanted to or not. 

The following few hours were filled with my ego complaining about losing its power over me and Ayahuasca saying, “I’m already in, I came here to heal, and that’s what I’m going to do.” Ayahuasca really showed me the stubborn, prideful, self-centered ego. By the way, the mind literally has no clue about Soul/Source/Spirit. My mind could not stop attempting to intellectualize the experience- its attempts were clumsy and unhelpful. In retrospect, if I could’ve had a board meeting with my mind and my body, I’d tell them that during the Ayahasuca Ceremony their input was not needed. 

At the peak of the healing process, I couldn’t tell you what exactly was going on. All I know is that my body couldn’t stop jolting back and forth while Ayahuasca did her work. I was seeing flashes of unpleasant images, beings from other dimensions were stopping by to observe the show, and lessons were given to me, but, they were like sand sifting through my fingers- as much as I tried to hold onto these teachings, they were impossible to remember from one moment to the next. Energetically, there were huge shifts going on in my body. Once this higher power was finished cleansing me, I threw up violently. The vomit came out fast, hard, and I couldn’t help but smile after the deed was done. My smile eagerly stretched from ear to ear, I had just done a lot of healing work within the past few hours and my smile knew it. 

So, I came face-to-face with my darkness, I learned that it’s impossible to live in a state of peace and in a state of holding-back simultaneously: you need to pick one, and healing processes run on their own time- there’s no speeding it up nor slowing it down.

The shaman’s drum-playing brought me back into this dimension as I began to mentally come back into the space and integrate my surroundings. Wow, what just happened? Even to this day, it’s hard to articulate. But, here’s my honest attempt at showing you a glimpse into my Ayahuasca experience.